BDSM for beginners: All BDSM rules in one overview
Let’s start at the beginning. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. Quite a mouthful, hence the abbreviation. In practice it’s about applying or experiencing a type of power or stimulations, often in sexual contact, though not always. Many people prefer one of the listed categories, but the different categories sometimes overlap.
1. A great start: the BDSM jargon
BDSM has its own language. Before you step into the wonderful world of BDSM, you’d do well to learn it. That’s why you’ll find an explanatory glossary of the most important words below:
♥ Bondage: typing up your partner, or being tied up yourself, voluntarily.
♥ Discipline: real or role-played punishment.
♥ Dominance: exerting power.
♥ Submission: voluntarily submitting to power.
♥ Sadism: purposefully causing pain stimuli and enjoying them, sexually or not sexually.
♥ Masochism: voluntarily enduring pain and enjoying it, sexually or not sexually.
♥ The dom: the dominant person, the one who is in control during the BDSM play.
♥ The sub: the submissive person, the one who has to listen to their dom during the BDSM play.
♥ A switch: someone who switches between the dominant and submissive role.
2. BDSM IN YOUR BEDROOM AS WELL?
Generally speaking, most people keep to the softer versions of BDSM. When it comes to punishment and addiction this is a good thing: the risks are a lot less if it stays soft.
Soft BDSM is not an inferior form of BDSM. You don’t necessarily have to be clad in leather, hanging from chains, to perform BDSM. On the contrary. I am convinced that people have more BDSM aspects in their sex life than you would suspect. For example, what about a man who orders his partner to give him a blow job? Or the woman who pushes the man down and crawls on top of him? Or the man who takes his wife by the hairs during sex, or pushes her hands down on the bed? Or the woman who pushes her long nails into the back of her partner? Small, sexual acts that have to do with pain stimuli and/or power as well, as far as I’m concerned. However, when you decide to start playing with power and/or pain in your sex life, it is important to always keep everyone’s safety in mind.
If we’re talking about BDSM and safety, we’re usually talking about SSC. This is short for Safe, Sane and Consensual: safe, with a healthy mental capacity and with consent of all parties. This means:
Safe
Don’t take any risks, with your health or otherwise. With everything that you do, try to analyse the possible risks and try to exclude them as much as possible. So when you’re tying someone up, make sure you have scissors ready nearby. Don’t pinch off any body parts.
In full mental capacity
Avoid using intoxicants. Just because BDSM can be dangerous, it’s important that you are not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. Complete sobriety is key. After all, you have to be able to correctly assess the risk and take adequate action in case of possible danger. In addition, you’ll probably get a great high from the BDSM acts themselves.
Consensual
Everyone who participates in BDSM acts has to consent. Nothing should ever happen without the permission of your partner. In BDSM the dominant person might be the one in control, but they’re NEVER allowed to do something the sub does not agree. The sub can let this know by using the safety word. Please note that you are still not legally protected if your BDSM play leads to injuries, even if the sub has given consent.
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3. MERCY! CHOOSE A BDSM SAFETY WORD
In connection to the safety aspect: always use a safety word during BDSM-like games. A safety word is used by the – then – submissive partner if they no longer enjoy the game and want to stop. By agreeing on a safety word beforehand, the submissive knows that they can stop the game whenever it goes too far; that way they still have actual control in the game. A safety word is a great advantage to the dominant person as well. That way, they know they’re respecting the boundaries of the submissive and can safely ignore other protests that are part of the game.
A good safety word has nothing to do with the context: ‘no’, ‘mercy’ or ‘stop’ are not good options. These objections are actually an integral – erotic – aspect of the BDSM game. Therefore, it’s better to decide on a completely different word, which due to its strange nature is immediately obvious and can be complied with. Possible safety words might be:
♥ A colour (red, yellow, purple, indigo…)
♥ A vegetable or fruit (strawberry, banana, broccoli…)
♥ An ordinary object (pencil, pen, printer…)
It’s best to decide on an easy safety word. The world will be used in a very emotionally charged situation: you’ll want to stop it as quickly as possible, and not wrack your brain about what the safety word was again. So don’t use a Greek philosopher, or a politician.
When you decide upon a safety word or safety gesture, it’s very important that both partners adhere to it. So the submissive will only use it once they realise they’re no longer taking pleasure from the game. The dominant person has to adhere to this: when the submissive uses the safety word, the dominant immediately stops all play. If they do not do this, it is an abuse of power.
It’s important to keep communicating during play, in addition to the safety word. Your partner will know more from that than just ‘Banana!’.
4. BDSM tips
Now, lets see what you can actually do with the letters of the word BDSM…
THE ‘B’ OF BONDAGE
Bondage means that you tie down your partner, in such a way that their freedom of movement is limited. For example, they will no longer be able to use their hands, or leave the bedroom. The best-known and most-conventional way are the handcuffs of course, with or without plush. However, more experienced participants use all kinds of ropes.
Bondage can go from soft to very intense. Such as:
Bondage with clothing
For example, tying the hands with a top, using your tights to tie his hands to the bed… You can also show your knotting skills with a bra or a tie. Please be sure not to make the knot too tight; clothing, especially tights, are sometimes rather difficult to get undone, and it would be a shame to have to cut up your favourite pieces of clothing.
Bondage with handcuffs
There’s a wide variety available: with plush, or tougher in leather. With handcuffs, or with a safe clicking system. The adult version or the toy version of your kids. You’re spoilt for choice. Whatever you plan on doing with handcuffs, make sure you can quickly release your partner should it be necessary. So make sure the key is in a clearly agreed upon spot.
Bondage with fabric
For example, with a towel that’s lying around in your bedroom, or with your tights. The benefit of fabric as opposed to rope is that it’s often softer. Silk or velvet is therefore better suited for people who have to be treated with kid gloves. You don’t even have to go to market for the right fabric. Why only use a blindfold to just take away someone’s sight? It’s perfect to tie up your partner with, as well.
Bondage with rope
For example, the rope from which you hang your laundry, or rope found in speciality stores. Most erotica stores sell “bed rope” per metre nowadays, and of course you won’t skimp on the yardage. Nothing is as frustrating as not being able to finish your knot at the height of passion because you ran out of rope. Rope from the haberdashery store around the corner can be suitable as well, though they will probably not be able to offer much advice on the matter. Advice on ropes and especially the knots you can make with it can be found here.
Whichever option you choose, ensure there are safety escape options. Keep scissors or the keys close at hand. Tying up is fun, having to call for an ambulance in a panic isn’t. Safety first.
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Once you’ve safely tied up your partner, there are many options to choose from. How about this?
Softly caress your partner
You can do this using your hands, or a feather duster, a single feather, a hair brush, or something similar. Let your imagination run wild and take everything to bed that might give a pleasing sensation.
Blindfold your partner
When they can no longer see anything, stimuli are often experienced more intensely because they are unexpected. In addition, it boosts excitement, as they will not know what comes next. Use this to increase the tension.
Give your partner an erotic massage
If they can’t get away, it’s the perfect time to pamper your partner without forgetting yourself, cause what’s more fun than being able to touch your partner unashamedly? Every. Knead and fondle as you like and let your partner enjoy it to the max. A great tip is a massage candle, which can be purchased in most erotica stores. After fifteen minutes you can use the candle wax as warm massage oil. Especially if your partner doesn’t know this and thinks you’re working with real candle wax, it’ll be a pleasant surprise.
Don’t forget to tease them!
An erotic massage is wonderful, but an erotic massage where you’re constantly stimulated and brought to the edge of orgasm is even more pleasurable. Especially because the person is tied up and can do nothing but experience it. They can’t finish it themselves, no, your partner will have to wait until the other person finally allows them to reach climax. This greatly increases the tension in such a way that the release is very intense as well. Such a teasing game is a guarantee for a smashing orgasm.
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Give your partner food or drink
It can be very sensual to be fed or quenched while you’re tied up. Small pieces of fruit or chocolate are perfect this, though a sparkling wine can be very erotic as well. Please note: be moderate with alcohol!
Give a show
The person who is tied up cannot touch you, unless the partner allows them to. Drive them crazy by putting up an erotic show right before their eyes, but just out of reach. Do everything of which you know will arouse them and make them want nothing more than touch you. Stripping and masturbation are highly recommended. Your partner can only touch you when you allow it, releasing their tension.
Use a sex toy
For experienced users: now that your partner is tied up, you can start using sex toys. There is a wide variety of options available. Start with innocent toys, such as a massage candle, a stimulating massage oil, a feather or edible (and therefore lickable) body powder or body paint. If you both like this, you can also get a vibrator. You can do all kinds of fun things with it when your partner’s tied up, especially if you use it in combination with a teasing game. Be careful though: a vibrator can make everything go a lot faster.
Let your partner make an erotic promise
As soon as your partner tied up, you have the power. And there’s no shame in using it. For example, let her promise you that she’ll wake you up with a blow job in the morning, or that he’ll do the dishes naked tomorrow. If you really want to play safe, give your partner a task they can do immediately. For example, sharing a fantasy, dirty talk or begging. Your partner is only released when you’re pleased with the results. Don’t forget to be suitably strict. A little challenge is part of the game.
If you’re partner’s up for it, add some pain stimuliation
That is why bondage fits with BDSM: it’s can be perfectly combined with pain. Someone who is tied up, cannot resist and will have to surrender to their partner and what their partner is doing. This can be anything, from a whip to nipple clamps to (light) electrical shocks..
The latter is not necessary though, as bondage has nothing to do with pain in principle. You can combine it; you don’t have to. Just do what you both like to do.
For people who are anxious about the possible safety risks of bondage, or who think it’s too big of a step to take, there’s a risk-free alternative: verbal bondage. With this, one partner orders the other to stop using certain body parts. Example: “From now on, you can’t move your hands. Put them above your head.” Or: “Hold on to the bed posts. I don’t want you to let go unless I say you can.”
In comparison to the ropes mentioned previously this might seem rather soft. Try it, though: you’ll find it can be rather exhilarating. Especially since it doesn’t require any preparation: verbal bondage can be performed anytime, anywhere. This results in more spontaneous and unexpected play.
THE ‘D’ OF DISCIPLINE
Verbal bondage is closely connected to the D in BDSM: discipline. Discipline stands for teaching manners, and is often combined with punishments, of course. Real or role-played punishment. It goes without saying that discipline is also connected to the other ‘D’ in BDSM: dominance. The dom is the one who sets the rules, and who metes out punishment for disobedience if they deem it necessary.
The goal of discipline is controlling the partner’s behaviour, of course. By applying psychological pressure, imposing punishment or rewarding. Here’s some ideas to start with:
Possible orders:
♥ Get undressed. Slowly.
♥ Toy with yourself, but don’t orgasm.
♥ Wait for me at home, naked.
♥ Draw me a warm bath.
♥ Give me a blow job.
♥ Close your eyes.
Possible punishments:
♥ Give me a blow job.
♥ Clean the bathroom. Naked.
♥ Three slaps on the buttocks.
♥ Three lashes on the buttocks.
♥ No sex for a week.
♥ Sex every day for a week.
Possible rewards:
♥ Sex every day for a week
♥ A French kiss.
♥ A compliment.
♥ A piece of strawberry pie.
♥ A massage.
♥ An orgasm.
As you can see, discipline does not have to be out of this world. Indeed, I’m sure many people order their partners around in bed, with or without consequences. Of course, you can also take this further, especially if you combine it with sadomasochism. It goes without saying that we’re talking a whole different ball game of punishments then.
THE ‘D’ OF DOMINANCE AND THE ‘S’ OF SUBMISSION
These two letters of BDSM I will discuss together, as there’s really no other way. If one partner is dominant, the other has to be submissive. If that doesn’t happen, you’re more likely to have an argument than have sex.
The dom is the one who leads the submissive – hereafter called sub – in the sexual game. The dom takes pleasure from or becomes sexually aroused by dominating the sub. They determine what will happen and give the orders. However, that doesn’t mean the sub is the one who just experiences things. It may be that the dom orders the sub to hit them with a whip. In dominance it is mostly about authority, and that always lies with the dom. The connection with discipline immediately becomes clear: the dom is the one who imposes discipline, the sub is the one who undergoes the discipline.
However, a sub is not just someone who endures dominance, it is someone who wants to be dominated and kept under control. The sub derives sexual pleasure from being dominated in the same way the dom derives pleasure from dominating. Of course, this puts the sub in an extremely vulnerable position. They therefore have to be sure the dom can be trusted completely. That is why it’s important to work with a safety word: that wat the dom knows how far they can go and will not violate the trust of the sub.
When you decide to start doing soft BDSM, it’s possible to switch the roles of dom and sub around a bit. A sub today, a dom tomorrow. Switching is less common amongst people who do harder forms of BDSM: there, someone is always either dom or sub, as there’s a big difference between playing dom or sub (to spice up your sex life) and being dom or sub.
Dominance and submission in your bedroom as well? During every sex session there’s usually a more active, dominant, partner and a more passive, submissive, partner. That’s what makes it so exciting.
There are various ways to be dominant in bed, one even more impressive than the other. For example:
Order your partner
Call them out if they are being disobedient. If they really go too far, punish them. You’re the dom, your partner will have to listen to you. And they better listen, or face your ‘wrath’.
Tie up your partner
Only untie them when you feel like it. Your partner has no say in this, even if they look at you with sad puppy dog eyes.
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Apply (mild) pain stimuli to your partner
You decide what kind of stimuli, and for how long. Do they like a thin and flexible whip? Then go for a vicious thickness. And if your partner undergoes this without complaint, you could use the flexible whip as reward. Perhaps.
Be physically dominant as well
Push her legs apart and don’t hesitate to use some force doing so. Pull his head back by the hairs. This doesn’t have to hurt, but it does make it clear who’s boss. You are.
Be verbally dominant
Make sure that it’s not just your body language that’s dominant, but your language as well. No pleases or will you’s. No, an order is an order and that’s final, and your words should reflect that.
Dirty talk
Don’t be afraid to use belittling or swear words. Dirty talk is your middle name from now on!
You’re in charge
Be sure to never ask for permission. Just do what you want to do, and tie them up without asking. You decide when the sex starts, and ends! Did your partner just start making dinner, or do they have an important meeting in five minutes? Tough. Does your partner want to climax, and you’ve already had an orgasm? Then they’re extremely lucky if you decide to award them an orgasm, as well. Don’t make a habit out of it, though.
Always respect the safety word. Always. This makes or breaks the trust between two partners. As you can see, dominance does not have to be combined with pain or sadism. It’s possible, but it’s certainly not required. There are also doms who choose to exert their dominance in a different way, without becoming sadistic. It all depends on what you and your partner like.
THE ‘S’ OF SADISM AND THE ‘M’ OF MASOCHISM
We’ve finally reached SM! Many people confuse all of BDSM with just SM, but as you’ve read up until now, BDSM can be much, much more.
Sadism stands for purposefully causing pain, masochism for voluntarily and eagerly enduring pain. Sadomasochists derive pleasure from causing or enduring pain. This pain does not just have to be physical, there are several different types:
Physical pain:
♥ By hitting.
♥ By cutting.
♥ By squeezing.
♥ By pinching.
Mental pain:
♥ By insulting.
♥ By ignoring.
♥ By inciting jealousy.
Combination of physical and mental pain:
♥ By letting the sub perform denigrating sexual acts.
♥ By humiliating and hitting the sub in public, as well…
♥ By forcing the sub to do things they don’t want in the outside world.
If you’re not that experienced with sadism, we recommend testing the things you want to do to your sub on yourself first. That way you know how much something hurts and how far you can go.
They better listen, or face your ‘wrath’.
In sadomasochism, everything’s possible. Locking your partner up, biting or hitting them. Everything’s possible and allowed, if that’s what you agreed together. Spanking is very popular, for example.
Spanking means hitting. In the past this usually referred to slapping the buttocks, but by now most people know other areas where it can be very stimulating if they’re slapped. There are different forms of spanking: with your hand or with an object for additional sensations. And then there’s spanking as just foreplay, or during sex. If you’re trying spanking for the first time, we strongly recommend keeping the following tips in mind:
♥ Figure out a position that’s comfortable for the both of you. Usually that’s ass up during the first time. The ‘doggy style’ position can be a great position to administer the first spanking. Make sure that it’s the slaps that cause discomfort and not your position.
♥ Slowly increase the intensity. Start with soft, mild slaps and add force when necessary. It’s better to start off too soft than too hard. After all, it’s an adjustment and experiment for the both of you. Spread out your fingers during the slap: that way the smack is less vicious than when you keep your fingers together.
♥ If it’s the first time, we strongly recommend just using your hand; that way you can more quickly feel the responses of your partner’s body. In addition, you can better control the force and the effect.
♥ If you want to use an object to spank with, be sure to always warm up the skin with slaps from your hand. A skin that’s warmed up can take more, so always prepare your lover’s skin for what’s coming.
♥ Allow your partner a breather once in a while. It’s best to find a rhythm in your slaps. For example, five slaps, one minute rest. Use the pause to softly caress them. Especially if it’s your first time. Just like your normal sex like, variation is key in spanking.
♥ If you’re trying spanking for the first time, try a position that ensures plenty of physical contact. For example, you can put your partner over your knee. Once you’ve gained some experience, you can switch to positions that have little to no physical contact if you want to, but these are often more detached. and the first time spanking is already exciting and provocative enough without creating additional distance.
♥ Keep a close eye on your partner during spanking. See how they respond to your slaps. Of course, it’s their job to clearly indicate their boundaries, but it can’t hurt if you keep an eye on them as well. If you realise it’s all becoming too much for your partner, end your spanking session in a loving manner.
♥ Start slowly. It’s the first time you’re trying this, and that’s quite enough excitement already. A session lasting only several minutes or just three slaps can be enough. The first time is always special. Don’t overstimulate yourself and your partner. You can always expand in the future.
♥ Even if you become really aroused during spanking, keep the soft and hard boundaries of your partner in mind and regularly ask them how they’re doing. rekening houden met de zachte of harde grenzen van je partner en vraag regelmatig hoe het met hem of haar gaat.
♥ Finish your first spanking experience in a fitting manner. Aftercare is very important. Hand your partner a wet and cold towel to alleviate the pain and give them a loving massage. A moisturising body lotion is certainly fitting. It’s not a bad idea to shower them with kisses either. The more affection you show after a spanking, the better. Some compensation is in order, after all.
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TRY BDSM TONIGHT?
I’ve provided you with a short introduction to the varied and gripping BDSM world. If do not yet have any experience with it, start slow. If you’re used to ‘normal’ sex, it’s a big change to suddenly experiment with power balance or pain. Take small steps into this world, and if you realise you like it, you can add more and more BDSM elements to your sexy times..
Don’t rush things, it’s better to go too slow than too fast. It’s better if the first BDSM session lasts ten minutes instead of an hour. Always properly and lovingly conclude a BDSM session. Once you’ve dropped your roles, you can cuddle as much as you want again.
When you decide to continue with BDSM together, you’ll have to find the way together. Make sure you know that the both of you control this: you’re always together. Two people who each have individual boundaries and who can use the safety word. This also meals when your partner proposes to try BDSM and five minutes in you realise you don’t like it. That’s just how it is then. In that regard, experimenting with BDSM can never hurt: you can stop anytime you want and nothing’s mandatory. Who knows, you might have found a nice change from vanilla sex.
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